Untitled
She covers her eyes-shyly,
and begins to sing;
words one by one
open up-as a petal
from a flower-
that is blind to its own
beauty.
And i
in a moment of
self conviction
sit still and listen;
As
through an embarassed
gesture
comes a senile love song-
a favorite of mine
words made up-
words
perfectly put together-
a song from closed eyes.
Comments
First rethink your punctuation. NOT your line breaks, just the punctuation. It may be that having just finished a two month battle with my friend and editor on punctuation in my book (STINK)that makes me see it more.
Second...This piece is golden. Has all the key elements of superb.
Beautiful subject matter. Gives a picture most every reader will take and look at, walk around and and hope that they too will be able to experience the narrators feeling at least once in their life.
And finally by the end line we, your audience, are hearing that song sung from lips much older than ours but a mind much younger and more free.
Well done sir.
just know i am getting my knowledge from here.
@ the walking man - am trying to work on the punctuation,ill release a revised version soon.
@Poet & Writer appreciate it.
the picture in my mind is quite amazing.